I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
