Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
