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If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
