now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
