i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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