I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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