My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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