My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
