Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How's work?
Spinning.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
