Whatcha textin bout Willis?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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