well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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