community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
