I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
