Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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