Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
