woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
