Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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