Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
