genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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