she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
