Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
