I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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