I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
