its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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