im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
