Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
