I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
