You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
