Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
