It was confusing and full of hummus
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
