if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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