I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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