At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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