woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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