I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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