There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
