She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
