I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
