I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
