I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
