Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
