God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
