Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
