Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
