We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
