if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
