U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
