Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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