nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My pussy is not your playground.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
