exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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