He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
