I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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