ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
